Wake

Though the overwhelmingness continued, today was so hard and awesome all at once. It was incredible to have so much support and love from family and friends. Thank you for everyone who was there, sent flowers, gifts, notes, thoughts, prayers, etc. I truly have amazing people in my life. And Dad would have loved that "party."

Overwhelmed

Wow. I am so overwhelmed by all that has be done and all that has to be decided to plan services for a wake and a funeral. It kind of makes you numb to what you are actually planning for because it is so overwhelming and you have such a short time to get it all set up. There are so many hard parts made even more difficult because I feel so much pressure to honor my Dad in the most perfect way and in a way that best fits him. I'm glad that my family is pulling together to help each other though. I'm so nervous to see my dad tomorrow. I know, or at least I hope, he will physically look better than he did while he was sick and that will hopefully put a better picture of him in my head, but I'm just scared because it will feel so much more real than it does right now and it will hurt so much more. I should attempt to sleep, though it seems impossible because I can't stop seeing Dad.

Dad Shaped Hole

My Dad passed away early this morning. I was holding his hand and had just kissed his head and told him how much I loved him in a soft whisper. I'm not sure if he heard me, but right after that, he opened and closed his eyes twice (he hasn't been able to close his eyes in days), swallowed really hard about four times, and then his chest just wasn't rising anymore. I almost didn't realize he had gone, it was very peaceful. In a way I'm relieved, but my grief is greater. I will love you forever Dad and miss you deeply.

Waiting

I absolutely hate that all of us are just sitting here waiting for him to go. It makes me want to throw up. I don't want him to be alone. I just realized that whenever he tries to sleep or isn't getting medicine from one of us, unless he has visitors, he's mostly all alone in that room. And he shouldn't be. I'm thankful that he did have many visitors today and phone calls as well that he could listen to but not really respond, but I don't think I will leave him alone in the room anymore. If someone else is not in there with him, I will sit there. I don't care if I have to stay up all night long.

Demolition Crew

17 years ago, 4 kids got the best gift from their parents EVER....a swimming pool in the backyard! And we used the heck out of that thing...up until this past winter, when the water froze and cracked the liner to the point of no repair. The entire pool came down in March, which only left this lonely pool deck standing all alone. Now that there are three burly men at the house, its time has come. Spencer, Jeff, and Jason took the deck down...and what a demolition crew they were:

Prayers

Last night, I fell asleep praying that Dad would "just let go." I feel guilty that I prayed for my Dad to die. I just can't stand him being in this pain anymore. :( He started on oxygen this morning. It is amazing how fast this is all happening. But probably not fast enough for him to be free of his pain.

Relay For Life

Aunt Jackie and Jeff stayed with Dad for a little while tonight so that Mom, Spencer, Yvonne, and I could go to Relay For Life for a little while and do some laps for Dad and watch the Luminaria ceremony. It was very nice to be able to take part in that in Dad's honor. (Unfortunately, I forgot my camera, but I have a few pictures from my phone.)

Jokes

Dad has progressively gotten worse throughout the day. His sister, my aunt Jackie, has arrived as well and between all of us, we try not to leave him alone too long and to make him as comfortable as possible. When I tried to get him to take his medicine because it would make him feel better, he responded, "You aren't too old enough to be spanked." :) He also enjoys having lotion rubbed on his legs and arms and chest and back, so while I was doing that, he asked me if it was cooking grease and if I was going to serve him for dinner with a salad. These goofy jokes are ones he has been making since I can remember. I'm glad he's still cracking them now.

In Time

We just arrived home, Dad was up and moving about a little bit, but he looks so much worse and can move and talk even less than last week. He is getting a hospital bed tonight so he will be more comfortable. He knows we are here.

Days To Hours

Tonight while I was at work, I got a phone call from my sister-in-law saying that my mom wanted her to call me and let me know that the hospice nurse said that "based on his vitals, Dad has hours to days left to live." I guess I'd rather get that call than the one that says he is gone, but I hurt everywhere. I rushed home from work, Spencer bought us plane tickets, and we leave early in the morning. I'm so nervous...

A Moment Of Clarity...

In the midst of all the stress I am going through worrying about all things that come with having a parent suffering from cancer, I try to zone out and forget everything, not just my troubles. Today I was sitting at the pool thinking back to the end of 2009, the beginning of 2010 and how I had such high hopes for 2010. I was sure it was going to be a great year....vacations, a move, new jobs, a fabulous 1 year anniversary celebration, maybe even a baby, and who knows what else. I remember in January, my biggest concern for the entire year was that I was turning 30 the very next month. If I'd only known what was really in store for me...and we're only half way through the year. We have no potential jobs for the move we want to make, our vacations get canceled by the month with each additional emergency trip I have to take back home, I have no new job and hate the one I have more and more each day, I still hate Las Vegas, we are no longer planning our big one year anniversary celebration (and will be lucky if we even both have the day off to share together that day), I can't get pregnant whether we try to or not (yet), and in the midst of this I am just waiting for a horribly dreaded phone call that my dad has been relieved of his pain and has found a peace not of this earth. What the hell did I do to piss off the heavens and the earth this fine year I ask?! But how can I ever complain about this pain and frustration I am going through when people all around me are also going through painful, frustrating situations? And likely at the top of that list is my poor father, who is experiencing pain and anguish that very few people can ever begin to imagine, yet he never complains. So why am I? And how is any of this a moment of clarity? Well part one of the clarity is that even though this year has been awful so far, it could be a hell of a lot worse and I should just shut my mouth and count my blessings. Part two of the clarity is that it is time for a fresh start. Shortly after I zoned out thinking about all of this at the pool, Spencer joined me and we sat on the edge (of the pool) discussing what we were going to do when our lease was up at the end of August. Seattle came up and everything about it just suddenly felt completely right. We are researching and searching and hoping this is the fresh start we need to finish off 2010 on a positive note. I believe that when one door closes, another one opens. And I believe that everything happens for a reason and that what is meant to be will always find a way, and that when it feels right, its right. And that if you don't take risks you'll have a wasted soul. So if this is it, I know that everything will fall into place the way it is supposed to, when it is supposed to. I just hope my moment of clarity wasn't from too much desert sun.

A Father's Love

"A Dad is a person who is loving and kind, And often he knows what you have on your mind. He's someone who listens, suggests, and defends. A dad can be one of your very best friends! He's proud of your triumphs, but when things go wrong, A dad can be patient, helpful and strong."

♥ Happy Father's day to my strong Papa... and my wonderful father-in-law! ♥

Dad's Book.

Cover:"Most of the world is covered by water. A fisherman's job is simple: Pick out the BEST PARTS."Heather & Spencer's page:Jeff & Yvonne's page:Jason & Sara's page:Lauren's page:Brandy & family's page:Mom's page:"Best catches...Parker, Mason, & Jackson" (Grandkids' page):Janice & family's page:Jackie & family's page:The rest of the brothers & sisters page (there's so many they don't all fit on one page! Love having a big family!):Grandma & Grandpa Nemanich's & cousin Jill's page:Nieces & Nephews:More nieces, nephews, and cousins:Witt's page (best friends):Muladore's page:"More Love":"Family is Forever""And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make."

Heartbroken

heart·bro·ken/ˈhɑrtˌbroʊkən/ Show Spelled

[hahrt-broh-kuhn]
–adjective

crushed with sorrow or grief.

My heart is breaking. Being dumped by my high school boyfriend, hurting a friend, losing a friend at a young age, being backstabbed by a friend, getting divorced, fighting with my sister to the point of no longer speaking, and so many other moments in my life where I thought I felt heartbroken will never ever EVER come close to the true heart break I experienced today when I saw my father. He is skin and bones, a shell of his old self, too weak to speak, too frail to stand up on his own, too malnourished to sustain any kind of nutrients in the form of food or water, in too much pain to complain. My heart is breaking. What does he think when he sees his reflection in the mirror? Can he even see it? How undignified does he feel when his wife has to help him to the bathroom or his kids have to help him move his legs because his feet are too heavy for him to move on his own? How frustrated does he feel that he sees his favorite foods, wants to eat them, and can't? Or when something needs to be done around his home, but he doesn't have the energy to even remember how to fix it? My heart is breaking. I am helpless to do anything to make this better. My whole life, he has taken care of me in one way or another and I can do NOTHING right now to make his life easier. I can barely say or do anything to make him smile. It takes all his energy to do so. My heart is breaking. Heart break makes you feel nauseous. It makes you cry. It makes you feel more helpless than you have ever felt in your entire life. What ever I experienced before that I thought was heartbreak was nothing. NOW, my heart is truly breaking. And even these words do my heart no justice. My heart is breaking.

Twister?

Holy crap! I forgot what a midwest summer storm is like! I was minding my own business, cruising along, driving to Plainfield from Peoria Airport when OUT OF NOWHERE there was a.) a traffic jam and b.) extremely dark, extremely fast moving storm clouds. So not only was I going to be stuck driving in a storm, but I was literally stuck and not driving since traffic was not moving! It was pretty windy and scary. I kept calling Spencer fearing for my life and when I wasn't talking to him, I turned the radio up as loud as I could and tried to drown out the scary sounds of the storm. I survived. (These pictures from my phone do this storm no justice...)

Nerves....

I leave early tomorrow morning to go home to see Dad. I'm nervous. I have a huge knot in my stomach. I'm scared. :(

Tricia's Visit

Spencer's mom came to visit us these past few days. Although I was quite pre-occupied with Dad's condition and an impending last minute trip home as well as a very last minute, highly involved Father's Day project for him, I still managed to have a great time. Spencer took a few days off so he could maximize his quality time with his mom and Tricia said it was the most relaxing vacation she'd had in a long time, so overall, I'd say the visit gets 6 thumbs up!

Tricia arrived very late Sunday night after getting stuck in a late night traffic jam on the way home from the airport. Monday, I had to work, so Spencer and Tricia headed to the Hoover Dam. (I'm dam sorry I missed another dam trip to the dam Hoover Dam. DAM!) Monday evening we enjoyed a nice dinner made by Spencer and then 2 fabulous hours of The Bachelorette. Tricia hardly watches TV let alone this trash TV, but she seemed to enjoy it and we definitely got a few good laughs. (What a ridiculous show!)

Tuesday we headed to the Atomic Testing Museum where we learned more than anyone could ever want to know about the history of atomic bombs and how they tested them just outside of Las Vegas.
Spencer and Tricia outside the Atomic Testing MuseumMe sitting in a piece of the World Trade Center after 9/11I even ate a freeze dried ice cream sandwich just like astronauts do. (I'm not sure how these 2 were connected, but I bought the astronaut ice cream sandwich in the gift shop of the Atomic Testing Museum, so...)
"Eat just like the astronauts do in space!" (I'm such a sucker.)It looks like an ice cream sandwichIt tastes like an ice cream sandwichDo regular ice cream sandwiches give me such a tummy ache?!
Afterwards, Spencer gave us a very in depth behind the scenes tour of the Love Theater at The Mirage. Then we headed to Treasure Island to see Mystere from the light booth.

Wednesday I worked really hard on my book for Dad while Spencer, Tricia, and Tank went on a short hike to Red Rock Canyon, Tricia and I relaxed at the pool for a little while, some naps were taken, and then we headed out for a delicious sushi dinner at Kabuki and Ka at MGM Grand.The house manager moved us from the booth seats to the FRONT ROW! The show was even more AMAZING from that location than any of the other seats I have ever seen it from!
Today we did a little more lounging by the pool,I worked a little more on Dad's book, then I headed off to work and Spencer and Tricia were right behind me, stopping in for some coffee to go before Tricia got dropped off at the airport and Spencer headed off to work. Short, sweet, relaxing, fun.