March 2010

Welcome Home...again...Dad!

Right now, Mom is on her way to the hospital to pick Dad up. His levels are stable and as long as he adheres to his strict diet, he can come home. Parker is dilligently working on a "Welcome Home Grandpa!" sign as I type.Dr. Thornton's office called today too. He is meeting with the Medical Director of the insurance company either tomorrow or Monday to proove that proton beam radiation therapy is in fact successful for the treatment of liver cancer. Keep your fingers crossed and your prayers coming for that! Gotta go get things ready for Dad to get here. :)

The Walk

Today Mom was off of work, so we enjoyed the BEAUTIFUL Spring weather that arrived today and went for a walk. And it was a BIG walk! Mason and Parker got in the wagon and Grandma and Aunt Heather took turns pulling (to be honest, Grandma did most of the pulling...). We played at the park, rode the swings, and then it was time for lunch. So we walked even farther to McDonald's. I think it was farther than both Aunt Heather and Grandma bargained for, but we figured its a good thing we are doing so much walking since we are eating McDonald's for lunch! Parker had fun in the play place while we ate. Then we headed home. What a work out. We were all exhausted when we got back. Parker said he needed a nap...ha ha, must have been a lot of work riding in that wagon! It was a fun afternoon with my nephews though and they were both so well behaved!

The Birthday Cake

Parker LOVES Uncle Spencer. He is sooooooo sad that Uncle Spencer didn't come with me on this trip home. I explained to him that it was because he has to work. He understands but won't stop talking about Uncle Spencer. "Can you take me to the park Uncle Spencer took me to last time he was here?" "Can we go for a walk like I did with Uncle Spencer?" "Can we call Uncle Spencer?" "Can we make a video for Uncle Spencer?" "Can we take a picture for Uncle Spencer?" "When is Uncle Spencer coming over?" Although I'm a teeny bit jealous, I LOVE that Parker LOVES Spencer. So I've been doing my best to make Uncle Spencer not feel so far away...for Parker's sake and for mine. Went to the park, check. Went on a walk, check. Called Uncle Spencer (3 times), check. Made (8) videos for Uncle Spencer, check. Took a picture for Uncle Spencer, check. But perhaps the coolest thing we did today was celebrate Uncle Spencer's birthday on the computer. Awhile back, I got a laptop, so in order to communicate with hubby (and all of you) a bit better while on my trip, I brought it along. I have never used the web cam that came already installed on it, but today was the perfect opportunity. When Parker figured out that today was Uncle Spencer's birthday, he wanted to bake him a cake. Parker has an Easy Bake Oven, so this is where he wanted to bake it. So when Uncle Spencer got home from work, he turned on my computer and I turned on mine, we hooked up the video chat, explained how it worked to Parker, and baked him a birthday cake live! Spencer took some screen shots of our chat, so I have some cute evidence:

Cake just came out of the oven and Parker put the candle in and is showing Uncle Spencer the finished productGrandma, Parker, Aunt Heather and Mason singing Happy Birthday to Uncle SpencerParker blowing out the candles for Uncle Spencer (after asking his permission to do it for him, of course.)Parker asked Spencer what he wished for and then when Spencer asked Parker if he had made a wish for him too he said, "Yes, I wished that you didn't have to work anymore so you could come here!"
Eating the cake for Uncle SpencerParker inhaling the birthday cakeWe made sure to keep one packet to bake another cake for Uncle Spencer when he does get to come visit Parker in person next. And Parker is already asking when we can talk to Uncle Spencer on the computer again.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY UNCLE SPENCER! :)

My Heart

My heart is breaking today. It hurts that Dad is talking about dying and so is everyone around him. It hurts that today is Spencer's birthday and I am not with him.

Dad seems better today. He ate a lot, he sat up more, he is still in a lot of pain, but everytime I got my hopes up, it seems like someone dashed them with a little bit of doubt. I can't handle and am not ready to attempt to handle talking about where he wants to be buried or who gets what of his stuff when he's gone. I'm not willing to accept the fact that he might not come home from the hospital and if he does it might be just to die. This is my Dad. He is 61 years old. He hasn't even retired yet. He hasn't bought his boat or moved to Florida with my Mom. This can't be happening right now. I'm not ready to give up on him yet so I hope he's not either and I wish everyone else would stop. I understand that "prepare for the worst" theory...I usually stand by it 100% of the time. But I can't do it this time. So I want everyone else to stop.

My husband is amazing. He sacrificed a day that is very important to me to spend with him so that I could come home and be where I need to be. I hate not celebrating one of the most important days of MY life. This might not make sense to you, but the day Spencer was born is the luckiest day of my life. Where would I be without this man in my life and if he were not born? He is my strength when I can't stand, he holds me up. The other half of my heart. And though some people don't care about their birthdays as much as others (him being one of those people), it breaks my heart to not share this day with him. I know we will have another chance to celebrate and that he is having a good day with his co-workers who brought him donuts and cake, and that makes it a little bit easier, but still....

I love you Dad!
Happy Birthday Spence!

No Mourning Just Yet Please...

After an extremely long night of little to no sleep last night, a flight that seemed like forever even though it was less than 3 hours, and a drive that I thought was going to be awful but actually turned out to be stress relieving, I arrived in Plainfield, returned my rental car and got to the hospital to see Dad at around 5:30PM. My ENTIRE family was there, apparently all day. There was a grand total of 23 people (plus Dad) in his room, and spilling out into the hallway when I arrived (and most definitely breaking some sort of hospital rules). The lights were off and Dad was sound asleep and everyone was just sitting around in the dark staring at him and/or crying and I just about lost it. By my third hug, I did lose it. Finally, a nurse came in and took his blood and needed to turn on the lights to see and I realized that life is much happier in the light. Spencer says no matter what is going on in life, during the night time, it is always feels scarier. I guess its because it is dark. When we turned on the lights, Dad woke up, he started chatting with everyone as best he could, and we were all one big happy noisy Loutsch family, pissing off the nurses and overwhelming the doctors. A good lesson was really solidified for me today. There is a reason for everything...and good things can come from the bad. Dad is sick. Yes. Its the hardest thing I've had to deal with and go through to date. But in his way, he has brought our family together, immediate and extended. Today I hugged my sister Brandy for the first time in 12 years. I met her husband, my brother-in-law, Chris. I haven't fought with or even wanted to fight with my other 3 siblings in weeks. I saw all 6 of my Dad's siblings (my aunts and uncles) with him in the same room, some I haven't seen in 8-10 years. I realized that when we come together we make each other stronger. There is no denying that this trip, no matter how long it lasts for me, is going to be the biggest emotional roller coaster ride, but I'm doing my best to find the good, to patch up relationships and to be strong. "Take a sad song, and make it better."
My sister Brandy and meMe and my Aunt Jeanie

And So It Begins...

Each day on my lunch break at work, I dread checking my phone. Because for some reason, ALL of my bad news has been delivered to me on my lunch break while at work...when I have nowhere to go to escape, to cry, to freak out, etc. How convenient. Sure enough, even after cracking a joke about my bad track record with bad news on lunch breaks before clocking out, I got more bad news. Lauren called me and Mom texted me. All I have is bad news floating in my head, completely over taking my stress about when to go home again, for how long, etc.

"Dad's potassium levels are too high."

"High potassium levels can lead to kidney failure or heart failure."

"Multi-organ shutdown"

"Liver doesn't work, kidneys fail, heart stops."

Now I HAVE to go home. I need to see my Dad. But I so desperately do not want to go there to watch him die. He is dying and there's nothing anyone can do about it. How much longer can I hope he's going to get better if no one else is?

So I wrote this as an update and as usual, my feelings spill over, but that's why I blog in the first place I guess. I'm on the phone with co-workers trying to get my work shifts covered. I'm on the internet trying to book a flight. I can't stop crying because I'm going to miss Spencer's birthday. I'm inside my head absolutely freaking out because I don't know how to lose him. I could never dream of sleeping. I want to throw up when I see food. I'm worried about the rest of my family and how they are going to handle this. How do people handle this much stress and more?

Polite

"The words from the mouth of a wise man are gracious."

What The H***?!

Can someone please tell me what the hell is wrong with insurance companies? Why is everything black or white? You either fall into a category or you don't and if you don't, you get the big fat rejection and screw you if it means you're going to die oh well. How can a doctor who works for an insurance company and has never even seen my dad's face, let alone knows ANYTHING about his health, decide that this treatment is not going to work or help him when all he does is see a piece of paper with a number that represents a general diagnosis?! This treatment could potentially save him from several, very costly (for the insurance company that is) trips to the hospital, not to mention that it could potentially save his life too. But instead of covering this, which is IMPOSSIBLE for my parents to pay for out of pocket (isn't this WHY we have health insurance to begin with?!), they would rather pay for the several hospital visits looming in his future or worse, for a huge lawsuit from the family of the man who's life they could have saved? (Not that my family is planning to sue the insurance company, but it is always a possibility so I'm just sayin'....) NONE of this makes any sense to me and I'm so frustrated for my Dad. He told me today that "just when he thinks he's getting on top of this thing, something sets him back." He's losing hope and we're losing hope and that just can't happen right now. Hope is all we have left. So if you're praying for my dad, please pray that he keeps his hopes up. And pray that his doctors will be effective when arguing with the insurance company this this treatment WILL in fact help him and that it is not experimental but proven to work in the past! Sorry for my negativity, I am beyond frustrated and have to vent somewhere. This blog is as much my outlet as it is a place for me to update anyone who cares. :(

Thoughtful

"Love thinks. It’s not a mindless feeling that rides on waves of emotion and falls asleep mentally. It keeps busy in thought, knowing that loving thoughts precede loving actions."

Selfless

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves”

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Green Beer

+

Corn beef, Cabbage, and Red potatoes

=

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Kindness

"Kindness is love in action. If patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximize a positive circumstance. Patience avoids a problem; kindness creates a blessing. Love makes you kind. And kindness makes you likeable."

Home Again

Dad stayed overnight at the hospital last night for observation. Mom called me this morning and said he was throwing up and just not feeling well so they were thinking about keeping him another night, but when I called her just now, he was home and hopefully on the mend. Draining his stomach of all that excess fluid (another 6.5 liters yesterday) also removes a LOT of protein from his system so he just feels weak and sick in general each time he has it done. Its also pretty painful from what I understand. But a couple days later he usually feels much better. He follows up with his gastroenterologist in a few weeks so now all that's left is to wait to hear back from the doctor in Bloomington and the darn insurance company. Now that his colon is "all clear" he is also "all clear" to begin the proton radiation therapy treatments as long as his insurance turns over their denial to an approval. Thanks for the prayers and as always keep them coming!

Patience

"Few people are as hard to live with as an impatient person." I am incredibly lucky to have such a patient "roommate" in my wonderfully patient husband. ♥

Some Good News!

I was awakened by a text message this morning, followed up by a phone call, both from Mom. Thank God it was finally some good news! Dad had his colonoscopy this morning...the second attempt. This time it worked AND the doctor found out that what was on his colon was NOT a tumor, but just a few polyps, which he promptly removed. Dad's belly is filling up with fluid again as well from the liver tumor, so they are planning to drain his stomach again this afternoon and keep him at the hospital overnight for observation. He should be home tomorrow. Now we just have to wait and hope and pray that the insurance accepts the disputes from the doctors and that they will approve his proton radiation therapy treatments in Bloomington, Indiana, which at first glance, they deemed "experimental" and said they wouldn't cover it. Please pray they change their minds as this is his BEST chance to get healty again!

GO CUBS!

Spencer and I were so lucky and so surprised to get last minute tickets to the Cubs vs. White Sox game at Cashman Field here in Las Vegas today. Its safe to say I have been going through withdrawls after not seeing a Cubs game live in several years, exhibition game or otherwise, and this was Spencer's first Cubs game ever! And they won! WOOHOO! We had a blast! The most ironic part was that it was the windiest Cubs game I have EVER been to and it wasn't even in the windy city!

My Girls!

I love these girls. And they love it when I forget to close our bedroom door and they can sneak in and cuddle on our bed. Thank goodness they love each other too or neither of them would have a friend in our house...well, Noelle would still have her boyfriend Spencer, but I digress....

Home/Dad Update

We got home pretty late last night and enjoyed a Taco Bell dinner on our way. Luckily neither of us had to work today so we could have a day of recouperating and doing laundry. We also picked up our much missed doggie from his friends' house. I think Tank wasn't as happy to see us as we were to see him. Dad had 6 liters! of fluid drained from his stomach last night and he is now home. He is still pretty weak and in a lot of pain, but he feels better just being at home according to him. I still feel pretty guilty about leaving, but hopefully I will be able to go back and help out again when dad (hopefully) starts his proton radiation treatment in Bloomington, Indiana (assuming that the doctors disputing the insurance company works). We still have a long way to go so please keep on praying. Thank you to everyone who has sent good thoughts, prayers, etc. our way and his. It is beyond appreciated!

February 2010

Going Home...

Today was our last day. Mom called Dad from the hospital and told him we were coming for one last visit and to say goodbye before we flew home and he responded "yeah, tell them to bring me a banana split!" Ha ha! So we snuck it in and he enjoyed as much of it as he could. He said he was feeling better and now his ONLY issue was that his stomach was so bloated. His doctor visited him in the morning and told him that they were going to drain his stomach either tonight or tomorrow and then he could probably go home, so lets hope so. It was hard to say goodbye. When we originally planned this trip, Dad wasn't in the hospital and wasn't supposed to be. Then when we got there, he was only supposed to be there for a couple more days and now he's been in the hospital the entire time we have been home. I'm sad that he's not home yet but hopefully he will go home tomorrow at the latest. When we were done at the hospital, we packed up, and spent some quality time with Parker and Mason before we had to go. Then we all packed in Mom's car and drove to the car rental place, rented our car, and drove to the Rockford Airport. A little bit less easy than the arrival trip, but we are now in the Rockford Airport early and waiting to leave. At least they have free internet!