July 2010

Love and Hate

‎"The opposite of love is apathy, and hate is really the same as love. If you're so consumed by hatred for someone, you might as well be loving them, because you're thinking about them for the same amount of time."

*A.P.B.*

We're putting an A.P.B. out on Noelle's blog...if anyone knows the address please let us know! (We have found her this way, mesmerized by the computer screen, many times...its the only explanation....)

Breathing

Last night I couldn't sleep. I usually can't. I start out sleeping on my left side, then switch to my back, then to my right, then back to my left and then I finally realize I can't fall asleep without cuddling Spencer. As I lay there with my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and feeling his chest move up and down as he fell into a deeper sleep, I was overcome with a sense of overwhelming blessing. Although my lying on his chest hearing his heartbeat was keeping me from falling asleep, I was so thankful that I could hear it beating. So lucky to be able to lie next to the man that I love every night. And at the same time, my heart was breaking for people I love who don't have that same luxury, particularly my mom who is learning to sleep alone for the first time in 37 years. There are so many people who are alone and even in my loneliest moments, I am blessed to fall asleep (eventually) next to the most wonderful man I know and the best thing that has ever happened to me. So, I thought I'd take this moment to count my blessings and remember what I was thinking about last night as I drifted off to sleep.

In Loving Memory....

We little knew that morning
God was going to call your name,
In life we loved you dearly,
in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
You did not go alone.
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home,
You left us beautiful memories,
Your love is still our guid,
And though we cannot see you,
You are always by our side.
Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.

I can't believe its been one month already. Miss you tons Papa and love you forever.

Reminder

There are 4 things you can never recover:

The stone..after the throw.

The word..after it's said.

The occasion..after it's missed.

The time..after it's gone.

Comfort

The tide recedes
But leaves behind
Bright seashells
On the sand,
The sun goes down,
But gentle warmth
Still lingers
On the land,
The music stops,
And yet it echoes on
In sweet refrains....
For every joy
That passes,
Something beautiful remains.

The Wait

“Life is always a rich and steady time when you are waiting for something to happen or hatch.” -E.B. White

This year has been shitty. Plain and simple. That's the nicest way I can put it. Hopes crushed, hearts broken, dreams put on hold. So now is the time we are going to turn it around (I hope). We have the feeling of a fresh start (with a new angel watching over us...), and we are refreshing all of our dreams, waiting for the path to straighten out for us so we can hope for some new and exciting things! That's the plan anyway.

With Or Without Me

Its almost time for me to get back to work and back to real life and every day. It feels like all of that came to a screeching halt for me when my dad was taking his last breaths, but I realized today how out of touch with the rest of the world I have been over the past month. My world may have stopped for awhile, but the rest of it hasn't. I am not so much having a hard time preparing to go back to work or my daily routine as much as I am grasping the fact that just because I'm sad doesn't mean I am exempt from the things I need to do or am responsible for and that the rest of the world is still operating in the same way even if I am not.

"I look at the world and I notice its turning, while my guitar gently weeps." ~George Harrison

True Desert

Today we made what turned out to be a pretty bad decision and took Mom to see Red Rock Canyon. The actual going to Red Rock wasn't that bad but the idea of taking an "easy hike" in 108 degree temperatures at high noon was not the brightest idea. We should have just stuck to the scenic drive in our air conditioned car.
Me, Mom and Tank at the Calico overlookOur little familyFor some reason it was hilarious to take pictures of Tank on rocks during this trip to Red Rock Canyon....Highest elevation on the scenic drive...in more ways than one!My mommy at Red Rock CanyonTank on a rock...see what I mean?! HA HA!Here's where things started to get ugly...and HOT....We never pay attention to caution signs...not this one, or the one that said there was a high heat warning and that we should stay inside...oops.So off on our hike we go...oh sure we're all smiles now...The farther and farther we went....The hotter and grosser we got!We didn't even make it halfway through the trail...maybe not even a quarter of the way, before Mom surrendered, I secretly thanked her, Spencer probably rolled his eyes, and Tank's little paws were so hot, he just collapsed in the sand and Spencer had to carry him back to the car. Spencer almost had to carry me and Mom back to the car too! At one point I felt so hot and sick and knew Mom did too, that I was honestly starting to worry. So I was glad to get back in the car, blast the AC and get home to ice cold showers to relax! At least Mom saw Red Rock Canyon?

Sigh

It feels so good to have NOTHING pressing to worry about, take care of, or do today. Here's our rough schedule for the three of us today:
x Breakfast at the Cracked Egg (YUM!)
x Home Depot (no purchases, just getting some great ideas for Mom's remodeling.)
x Laying at the pool (It is SUPER hot today...unbearable to be outside and NOT be in the pool and even then it was too hot. I think it was something like 113 degrees today!)
x Refreshing (COLD!) showers to cool off from the pool!
x Burgers on the grill (Poor Spencer had to go back outside to cook the burgers but they were DELICIOUS!)
x Drinks (what goes better after a long hot day and a delicious meal?)
x Rockband (Mom playing guitar was AWESOME!)

What a day!

On The Look Out....

So our gift to my mom for a very belated Mother's Day were tickets to see Jersey Boys. We were also going to take her to see Love again or a different Cirque du Soleil show, but all the seats that we could get were high up in the theater and Mom is REALLY afraid of heights, so just Jersey Boys it was. When Spencer took me to see Jersey Boys in February for my birthday, we sat near the back on the floor. We got to the show about 15 minutes late, so I never saw the theater lit up before and left immediately after the show. So to my knowledge and eyes there was no balcony/high seats. So when purchasing Mom's Jersey Boys tickets there weren't many options left (yes, I'm guilty of waiting until the last minute) so I took whatever was "best available." We picked up our tickets and I told Mom, "I'm sorry if these aren't the best seats." I wasn't thinking they would be HIGH seats, just not awesome seats. The moment the last word came out of my mouth my heart sunk into my gut, especially as I turned around and saw lots and lots of stairs under the sign pointing to the section we were seated in...and I realized they were TOTALLY high up. I tried not to freak out, but with each step up I could see Mom's face getting more and more nervous. So I told her to stay out here and I would ask the usher if I could go see the seats before we sat down. I walked a little bit ahead of her and as I handed the usher my tickets, before I could even say a word, he was like, "would you guys like to sit closer? On the lower level?" THANK THE LORD! I couldn't say yes fast enough and it took all I had to refrain from actually getting down on the floor and kissing his feet. But instead all I said was, "Yes please my mom is so afraid of heights and we were just about to leave." He just laughed, wrote our new seat assignments on our tickets and had absolutely no idea how much he had just save me! We turned around and walked right back down the stairs and as we did I said to my mom, "Oh my goodness that was amazing those seats were so high Mom someone was looking out for us!" And without hesitation Mom said, "Ahhh, thank you Joe!" (My dad.) Believe in fate, believe in God, believe in Karma, believe in whatever you want. It may have been one or all of those things that helped me out tonight, but I much prefer to think my Dad was watching over us...shaking his finger at me saying, "Yeah Peanut, you should have known better" and laughing at Mom for being "such a chicken."

Not only were our new seats comfortable close to the ground, but they were only 10 rows from the stage, PERFECT seats. And the show was amazing. We had a great time!

Relaxation

Mom arrived last night. I made us lasagna and garlic bread for dinner and we watched the movie Valentine's Day. Then today we spent the day relaxing at the pool and work on our sun tans. Its nice to have her here and not have anything to do or to worry about. I hope Mom is truly relaxing and not worrying about a thing. i'm glad she is here.

Tonight we are heading to meet up with Spencer when he gets off of work at Yard House for happy hour and then Mom and I are going to The Palazzo to see Jersey Boys. Can't wait!

♥

37 years ago today, my parents pledged their love to each other and gave me the most amazing gift...my family! ♥
Miss you so much Dad!

Love

"Love is the only reality"

FINALLY!

I am finally home after 10 hours of travel time door step to door step...it should have been more like 4 hours of travel time....Me and Allegiant Air are in a huge fight...we might break up. Its good to be home. Bittersweet to leave my Mom and nephews, but good to be back home to my hubby and my everyday comforts. Besides, my mom will be here for a visit in just a few days! After all that cleaning and organizing of her house, now its time to clean mine!

Trapped!

Apparently, I am never leaving Illinois! I am currently feeling pretty much trapped in the Rockford Airport. The plane coming from Las Vegas left two hours late due to mechanical problems. Then 40 minutes into their flight, that plane had to turn around and go back to Las Vegas to get on a different plane. I guess I should be thankful the crappy broken plane isn't coming to take me back home...but I'm mostly just pissed. I'm still sad. I'm cranky in general these days. But more importantly, I miss my husband, I miss my dog and even my cats, I miss my bed and I hate airports and flying anyway and I just want to go home.

Well, at least they are playing good music in this airprot...a little Def Leppard followed by Debbie Gibson...is almost like a soundtrack to my life going on here. "Shake your love!"

My 8:35PM flight is now scheduled to leave at 1:20am.... :(

Today

Today I woke up with an urge to see my Dad. :( I went to the cemetery. I didn't tell anyone I was going. I wanted to go by myself. The drive alone made me cry. The emotions I felt last week on the way there for the first time came flooding back. The empty vacant feeling I felt and still feel deepened almost instantly when I printed the map showing me where to find Dad's grave site and became overwhelming when I wandered through all the stones that belonged to strangers and couldn't find my Dad's. I was only saddened more by the fact that there wasn't a stone there yet. Just a little marker with his name on it marking the spot where his stone will one day be. I went there for something. I'm not sure what. I wanted to say goodbye one more time or something. I'm not sure. But it didn't feel the way I wanted or needed it to feel. Maybe it was because there was no stone and no real place to place the sunflowers I brought. Maybe its because the "construction workers" were burying caskets two rows in front of where my dad had been buried the weekend before in the same way. Maybe its because I still don't feel like any of this is real.

Fruity

One of my bestest friends Michelle, sent my Mom a fruit bouquet today. It was really cute, as you can see, but it didn't last long. Parker, Mason, and I were fighting over the chocolate covered strawberries (I used the, "she's my friend so I get more" card more than once here....), and Mom got the leftover, non chocolate covered fruit. It was deeeeelicious! Thanks Michelle!

Why I Love The Backyardigans....

....because its quite obviously Mason's favorite show! Every time I hear the opening song, I think of Mason doing the dance...this is not his best work (I didn't always have my camera whenever it came on), but each time he hears this song he drops EVERYTHING and goes to the front of the TV to dance and its so freaking adorable!

At The Zoo...

Mom and I took a break from all of our cleaning and organizing today and took Parker and Mason to the zoo. Overall, it was fun, but it made me rethink how close in age I might want to have my own children one day. Parker is not QUITE old enough to be much help with Mason but it wasn't all bad. We did manage to see lots of animals and have a great day...and were so lucky that there was supposed to be rain and thunderstorms and we didn't even feel a drop of water after we left Plainfield! Maybe Grandpa/Dad was watching out for us and gave us a good day!
First, we went to the Sting Ray Bay! It was not my first time touching a sting ray but it was my first time feeding one believe it or not! It was cool!It was hard convincing Parker that just because they are called STING rays, doesn't mean they will sting him if he touches one! But he finally did.Mason, Parker and me heading to see the dolphins!I tried to explain that when I was his age, I had gone to this walrus' birthday party but that this was just a statue of her to remember her by because she died a long time ago, but I don't think he understood that this wasn't REALLY her....Auntie fail.At the Childrens' Zoo:"I might be small and in this stroller, but I KNOW you're there...."Grandma and Mason "cooling off like the elephants do"Happy cooled off kidBlack RhinoMexican Grey Wolf...apparently Parker's favorite on this trip to the zoo...Hip hopA day at the zoo is always a good day!

A Day With Kristi

Today my cousin Kristi rode the train to Joliet from Chicago (and thankfully was spared her life while Mom and I made her wait a few minutes before we finally got to her to pick her up). We went to lunch at a cute little Italian place in Plainfield and then Kristi and I convinced Mom to get her first pedicure ever. After that we did a little bit of shopping and just hung out. It was a really nice relaxing time for all of us. Thanks for coming Kristi! Oh and for anyone who is wondering...Mom enjoyed her first pedicure and might even go back regularly! :)

Cuties!

Gotta love waking up to these 2 faces every morning while I'm here!

Organize. Simplify. Purge.

This should so be my motto. But anyway, my goal this week while I'm here helping my mom tie up loose ends, etc. is to help her do these things. She has spent the past 4 years taking care of 2 grandkids and a sick husband and has barely had time to breathe let alone keep her house clean and organized. Time constraints and stress have taken over and now I'm gonna kick this house's butt back in to shape. Not with everything, but with receipts and important documents, both of my parents are pack rats...and to me, keeping all of this [unnecessary] stuff would be ok if there were some organization to it....but no. So I bought a file cabinet and folders and labels and I have cleaned out all of the drawers and closets and have gotten to work making a system that I hope will make Mom's life easier. In the process we have also thrown away a ton of stuff and donated a ton more. So far our accomplishments include.....a clean and organized kitchen, 3 closets cleaned and organized, a dresser and a half emptied of papers of all kinds and filled with clothes that had no home, 4 garbage bags full of items to donate and 6 trash cans, plus 2 of our neighbor's trash cans filled with garbage and more bags of trash waiting to go out next week (we reached the garbage man's limit!). Mom thinks I'm a cleaning nag and is referring to me as "the drill sergeant." We have lots more to do so I better get some rest! I ♥ organization!

Realization

I probably always knew this, but more than ever, I realized this week that when tragedy strikes your life, you truly discover who your REAL friends are and that in the end, family are the ones who are ALWAYS there when it counts. Thank you to ALL of you who have been praying for my family, sending your thoughts, cards, messages, texts, emails, and general love and support. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! ♥

Independence

Happy 4th Of July!

My Date With Parker

Parker was so good yesterday and we kept promising him that his reward if he was good would be to see Toy Story 3 today, so I had to follow through and take him. He did great for the most part....aside for stealing a gummy worm out of the bulk candy box while I was in line paying for his kids meal and "sour kids." He felt super cool in his 3-D glasses and was pretty excited that he and I had the exact same ones on. He said, "I'm just like you Aunt Heather. No, you're just like me!" It was cute. About 10 minutes before the movie ended, he stood up and said "I want to go home." I think it was at the mushy part in the movie and he'd seen all the cool stuff already and was good to go, but I convinced him to sit on my lap and finish the movie with me. He was a good little date and the movie was cute. I'm glad I had the chance to take him. :)

Celebrating Sara

Unfortunately, my sister-in-law Sara's birthday was on the day of Dad's wake, so to make it a happier birthday, we celebrated a few days late today with a family dinner out complete with yummy food, crazy kids, and an embarrassing birthday song!
The embarrassing birthday song!Uncle Spencer and JacksonMason and Aunt SaraParker, Uncle Spencer, and JacksonMom and YvonneMason...crawling on the table...hey...whatever keeps him happy...Sara double fisting kids (Mason and Jackson)Aunt Heather and ParkerHappy Belated Birthday to you Sara!