Today

Today I woke up with an urge to see my Dad. :( I went to the cemetery. I didn't tell anyone I was going. I wanted to go by myself. The drive alone made me cry. The emotions I felt last week on the way there for the first time came flooding back. The empty vacant feeling I felt and still feel deepened almost instantly when I printed the map showing me where to find Dad's grave site and became overwhelming when I wandered through all the stones that belonged to strangers and couldn't find my Dad's. I was only saddened more by the fact that there wasn't a stone there yet. Just a little marker with his name on it marking the spot where his stone will one day be. I went there for something. I'm not sure what. I wanted to say goodbye one more time or something. I'm not sure. But it didn't feel the way I wanted or needed it to feel. Maybe it was because there was no stone and no real place to place the sunflowers I brought. Maybe its because the "construction workers" were burying caskets two rows in front of where my dad had been buried the weekend before in the same way. Maybe its because I still don't feel like any of this is real.