I've gotten to the point where I'm feeling borderline depressed...not that I really know what that feels like...I've never been clinically diagnosed or anything (nor do I hope I ever will get to that point), but I just feel a generally HUGE BLAH about life. I don't like it...not life, but the blah feeling. I don't like the blah feeling. So I've made a list of the things in my life that I particularly don't like or that I want to change and I am going to attempt to fix them one at a time, no matter how freaking long it takes me...and I'm guessing it will be awhile. The list is quite long and most of the items on my list, are unfortunately, at least momentarily out of my control. The only one I can try to fix right now is my body. I hate my body. I always have. I can find things wrong with it on the inside and out that make me want to cry. My current thought is that if I can get healthy, physically, then maybe the rest of me will start to work properly. I might sleep better at night. I might fit into my clothes better and even be motivated to buy some new ones. I might become less stressed. I might be able to become a mommy. The endorphins may even decrease my BLAH feeling. So I'm going with this one first in hopes that it will lead to fixing another item on my list later on.
Of course, this is one of the hardest things for me to fix. I am horrible at dieting and/or eating healthy. I go to the gym for a few days and then something usually happens and I make a deal with myself about why its ok to miss one day at the gym and then take a day off and never go back. And I have the guiltiest of consciences there is. I manage to find a way to feel guilty about just about any little thing you can imagine. I also struggle to feel in control of everything in my life and yet I have no self control when it comes to exercising, and more importantly eating. This has haunted me for several years.
I'll tell you a secret. When I was 18 years old, just started college, and very overwhelmed with trying to be on my own, without familiar faces, with my parents' high expectations (and rightfully so since they were paying so much for me to go to college in the first place they wanted me to get something out of it), and college being MUCH harder for me than high school ever was, it was the first time I realized that my life was easy and that I was pretty stupid for ever wishing to be an adult and be on my own. (And if I only knew then, what I know NOW, these feelings would have been a blip on the radar.) I was also surrounded by girls who spent all their spare time (WHAT spare time?!) going to the gym to work off all the cheesey poofs they ate during their all night cram session the night before. I didn't need to work out...I weighed 99lbs. the day I graduated high school despite the fact that I ate everything in sight. I was so embarrassed about my low weight that when I got my driver's license I lied on it and said I weighed 110lbs. (Who does that?!) So I engaged in the cheesey poofs but I didn't have any spare time to be active...nor did I need to...or so I thought. However, at some point between high school graduation and 2nd semester of college, my metabolism slowed down (the infamous "freshman 15" struck), and my life was seemingly spinning out of control. This led me to turn to starvation. I didn't have time to eat anyway...if I skipped dinner, I'd have an extra hour to study. I knew if I deprived myself of the food I so badly wanted to eat while studying, etc., I would eventually cease to be hungry, so that's what I did. And to make a really long story short I eventually stopped being hungry and simultaneously, I discovered the only thing in my life that I could control. And anyone who has had an eating disorder will tell you, that deep down this disease has more to do with control than it does attempting to fit into the same pair of jeans you wore in high school. And once you realize you have this control, even in the midst of attempts to get rid of it, it never completely goes away...it is a disease after all...and an almost impossible one to cure completely at that. Sure, I don't starve myself anymore. I don't make myself throw up anymore. I don't spend 3 hours a day at the gym anymore. But on occasion, in times like these when life feels like it is spinning out of control, my mind glances back to the memory of what seems like the only surefire way to cure it. Just like an ex-smoker who has quit doesn't necessarily want a cigarette when they are stressed, but recalls how relaxed they could feel if they did have one. 12 years later, I try not to live my life with regrets. But each time I start the journey of losing weight or eating healthy or working out regularly over again, I reflect back on this time in my life when I made the mistake, yes the mistake of starving my body in exchange for control and virtually destroying my own image of myself. Mistakes are lessons. You experience the repercussions of the mistake and they remind you to never make the same mistake again. I will admit that although I try not to, I have a few regrets. If I could have only one do-over, I would choose to go back to myself 12 years ago and we would have a little talk. I would tell that 19 year old who thought she was fat and that her life was falling apart that she is beautiful inside and out and that she was going to make it through...and make her believe it. I would tell her that she should value her abilities to love unconditionally and to keep her head on straight and make good decisions during hard times over her jeans size and the flatness of her belly. I would tell her that confidence and happiness and her smile are more important than her figure or the numbers on the scale. I would encourage her to live life with no regrets, to invest time in people, and to always appreciate what she has. I would teach her how to relieve stress in healthy ways, to worry less, and to live her life without caring what others think or feeling guilty about how she chooses to live it. I would tell her that she was loved.
Obviously I can't do these things. But I can take care of the girl that is still here now...well, grown woman I suppose, as much as I hate to admit it. And I suppose that is what I am doing. One thing at a time. Starting with just being active and eating healthy and treating myself more positively and moving on to moving away from the things in life that cause me to stress and finding joy in life's moments and most importantly, living life to the fullest, with as few regrets as possible. And if I fail, hopefully I will pick right back up and try again...without feeling any guilt. No guilt is the goal. Happiness is the goal. Here we go....
