In the midst of all the stress I am going through worrying about all things that come with having a parent suffering from cancer, I try to zone out and forget everything, not just my troubles. Today I was sitting at the pool thinking back to the end of 2009, the beginning of 2010 and how I had such high hopes for 2010. I was sure it was going to be a great year....vacations, a move, new jobs, a fabulous 1 year anniversary celebration, maybe even a baby, and who knows what else. I remember in January, my biggest concern for the entire year was that I was turning 30 the very next month. If I'd only known what was really in store for me...and we're only half way through the year. We have no potential jobs for the move we want to make, our vacations get canceled by the month with each additional emergency trip I have to take back home, I have no new job and hate the one I have more and more each day, I still hate Las Vegas, we are no longer planning our big one year anniversary celebration (and will be lucky if we even both have the day off to share together that day), I can't get pregnant whether we try to or not (yet), and in the midst of this I am just waiting for a horribly dreaded phone call that my dad has been relieved of his pain and has found a peace not of this earth. What the hell did I do to piss off the heavens and the earth this fine year I ask?! But how can I ever complain about this pain and frustration I am going through when people all around me are also going through painful, frustrating situations? And likely at the top of that list is my poor father, who is experiencing pain and anguish that very few people can ever begin to imagine, yet he never complains. So why am I? And how is any of this a moment of clarity? Well part one of the clarity is that even though this year has been awful so far, it could be a hell of a lot worse and I should just shut my mouth and count my blessings. Part two of the clarity is that it is time for a fresh start. Shortly after I zoned out thinking about all of this at the pool, Spencer joined me and we sat on the edge (of the pool) discussing what we were going to do when our lease was up at the end of August. Seattle came up and everything about it just suddenly felt completely right. We are researching and searching and hoping this is the fresh start we need to finish off 2010 on a positive note. I believe that when one door closes, another one opens. And I believe that everything happens for a reason and that what is meant to be will always find a way, and that when it feels right, its right. And that if you don't take risks you'll have a wasted soul. So if this is it, I know that everything will fall into place the way it is supposed to, when it is supposed to. I just hope my moment of clarity wasn't from too much desert sun.
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