Can We Catch A Break?

Tonight while I was at work, I got an urgent phone call from my mom and her message said, "Heather, I need to talk to you right away, call me back." Usually her "urgent" messages aren't urgent and she leaves a more detailed message, so I immediately knew something was wrong. I called her phone 5 times and no answer, more indication that something was wrong. Then I called the house phone and my sister's friend Amanda answered (even MORE indication of something wrong) and told me that she didn't know what happened but that there was an ambulance in the driveway when she got there and they were taking my dad to the hospital. After I FINALLY got ahold of my mom (and found out Spencer had known what was going on all along so I should have just called him), I found out that my dad had been throwing up blood for a few days now but today it got really bad. It turns out that he had 4 varices which I later learned are abnormally enlarged veins in the lower part of your esophagus, the tube that connects your throat and your stomach, caused by serious liver disease. Another side affect of this stupid tumor! They did some kind of procedure where they banded these varices to stop the bleeding and according to the doctor, he should be released within 48 hours. However, according to some of the websites I have checked against my better judgement and just about everyone's wishes, it doesn't sound that simple. Either way, today has been another awful, stressful day, and although we are leaving to go there tomorrow in a kind of last minute trip, it suddenly does NOT feel soon enough. I'm so nervous to see my dad in the hospital. I expect him to look sick, but everyone looks sicker in a hospital bed no matter why they are in it. I'm afraid of my reaction. I don't want to freak out when I see him because that won't help him AT ALL. I have to wake up really early in the morning to start our travels and I know that I won't sleep tonight because of everything going on, so I am going to take a sleeping pill and risk the drunk feeling I get whenever I do not sleep the full 8 hours a sleeping pill requests. Please continue your prayers for my family and especially for my dad. We need a break from all of this!

Indiana?

My mom and dad went to Bloomington, Indiana today to meet with Dr. Alan Thorton, the doctor who will potentially be treating my dad's liver tumor now that it is not surgically removable. Dr. Thorton is the man who has developed this Proton Therapy for the 5 centers in the United States that are currently the only locations where this type of treatment is available. There are more under construction right now, however, the one in Bloomington, a 4 hour drive for my parents, is the closest one available for Dad. Apparently, this therapy has been around in Europe, Canada, and Japan for several years...apparently the U.S. is WAY behind in medical technology, at least in this department! In fact, this condition is very common in Japan. They see on average 5-10 cases in Japan a week! And Dr Thorton was in Japan recently to see their equipment and get information about their cure, so it seems he would be Dad's best possible option, hands down. Anyway, Proton Therapy is basically a radiation beam that zeroes in precisely on the tumor and does not affect any of the good cells in the body like a normal radiation treatment might. Dad was told that he has 3 lesions on his liver and for that it would take 16 treatments, one treatment a day, 40 minutes per treatment, putting him in the hospital far from home for 3-4 weeks. If he decides to do this, the doctor is confident that the 3 lesions would be cured and cleared up 100%! This is GREAT news. But in every update I have gotten with my dad's health lately, there is always great news and there is always a "BUT" which is REALLY frustrating to all of us, and especially, I am sure, to him. The but in this situation, is that they still do not know exactly what was on his colon when he got that original PET Scan...and if it is a tumor on his colon, which cannot be treated in this same way or as effectively, then all the Proton Therapy in the world would be worthless. At this point, I am not sure if that means they need to recheck the scans, or do another attempt at a colonoscopy or what, but first we are apparently waiting to find out if my dad's insurance will cover the procedure in Bloomington in the first place. If it doesn't, he won't consider it. If it does, he will start to think about it according to him. And no matter what, this is not just a trip to Indiana and daily treatments. He would also need a body scan taken so that Dr. Thorton can make a mold of his body in which he would lay in during the treatments and he will also need to have surgery to place clips on his liver. These would be used as markers for the proton beam, As you can imagine, he is incredibly overwhelmed right now because it seems that everytime there is an upside to his treatment, there is also some kind of glitch that goes along with it. So...doctors are talking, Dad is thinking, insurance companies are deciding and we are waiting.....

Spencer and I leave for our visit home on Wednesday, February 24th...I am feeling so beyond stressed in general right now and I am not sure if this trip will be a stressful, sad trip or a nice, fun, positive trip. I am, of course, wishing for the latter...we will also be there for Mom's birthday and Mason's 1st birthday which will be nice, but I'm still a little nervous. What if he looks sick and I react? What if we fight? I'm so trying to be positive, but its soooo hard right now. Please pray for our visit and our family and positivity and especially for Dad to make the right choices and be healthy again!

Half Way There.....

Spencer and I have been married 6 months today! I can't believe we're already half way to a year of wedded bliss. Its been wonderful so far and I can't wait for many many many more months and many many many more years of this kind of joy, happiness, teamwork, support and love! Go us! I love you Spence!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Today I got red roses for the first time ever...accompanied by chocolates and a toaster...not just any toaster, a RED toaster. :) After a long day at work, we went on a very welcome low key date to Kabuki for some sushi (for me) and Japanese food (for him) and then saw Valentine's Day at the movie theater. Spencer has been my Valentine for 4 years now and I am so lucky to have the best Valentine ever! Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Two Options

My dad had his oncologist appointment this morning. I was supposed to get a phone call from my mom afterward, but I didn't, which I had a feeling was a bad sign. So I called her. When she answered the phone, I could tell she was mad. I asked her what was going on and she wouldn't even tell me, she just handed the phone to my dad. He has 2 options. 1.) Proton beam radiation therapy that attacks only the bad cells at the particular site of the tumor and is 50% effective but only available at 5 hospital locations in the United States or 2.) Cancer Radiation Therapy which just attacks cells in your body, good and bad and you hope it attacks the ones you want to get rid of, not very effective for liver cancer...30% effective at best, but available pretty much anywhere. He is choosing option 2. Because he doesn't like to travel. I know that this is his decision. I know that I couldn't possibly understand how he feels about all of this and what he wants and what he is going through and what he will go through. But "I don't want to travel" is NOT a good enough excuse for me. I tried every angle to convince him to just try the drive, meet the doctor, check out the facility, get all your questions answered about the treatment, etc. and THEN if you are still uncomfortable with the whole idea, then I will accept it. But nothing. He is more stubborn than anyone I know. I was reduced to tears and not just sad tears but sobbing, sniffling, uncontrollable crying which made me have to hang up the phone. I feel so frustrated, helpless, and hopeless.

Sister

After several "getting to know you" emails back and forth filled with emotions, questions, honesty and openness as well as some actual getting to know each other type stuff between Brandy and I, she called me tonight. I cannot explain the feelings inside of me as I heard my sister's voice for the first time in 12 years. To share our lives a bit, even if just on the phone, and to begin to work through and understand a haze of lies and truths and past drama to bring us to now and the potential to have an actual relationship ignites several emotions in me that I didn't even know were there. After a very negatively emotional day about my dad, this has been a positively emotional evening regarding my sister. I am definitely bursting with all kinds of emotions and still even a little bit in shock. We have a long way to go and her journey is even longer because there are one of her and 4 of us siblings and my dad, but I want to be able to support her and them if this happens for all of them as well. I scanned this picture last month to show her daughters and now I can stop looking at it. This is the first time Brandy and I met, in 1980. :) (Yes, I know, I was an ugly baby...)

ANGRY!

I am SO ANGRY right now. I have always had issues with doctors. I am convinced they get paid a lot of money to make a lot of guesses. I have had several bad experiences with all kinds of doctors to make me feel this way. Two days ago, my dad was admitted to a hospital in Chicago, so that he could be hooked up to an IV and be medicated with antibiotics to treat the infection in his bowels that was putting off his surgery to remove the polyp they found on his colon during his colonoscopy and of course the tumor on his liver. They were monitoring the progress of his infection leaving by doing CT Scans. He had a CT Scan last night and his surgeon gave him the results today. She told him she couldn't operate and he should go home and go back to his oncologist in Joliet. WHY? Because THEY WERE WRONG! First of all, the polyp on his colon isn't even a polyp...there is just a lot of fluid in his abdomen for some reason, possibly being caused by what's going on with the tumor in his liver, oh yeah, the tumor that CAN'T be removed because its covering a vein! All our hopes and positivity just went down the toilet in a matter of minutes. My heart is breaking for my dad. My heart is breaking for my mom who couldn't even call me to give me the news because she was afraid my reaction would make her more heartbroken so she called Spencer and had him tell me (poor guy). Well, here's my reaction, I AM PISSED! Pissed that we are back to square one. He has an appointment with his oncologist on Friday...back to the drawing board....