In the midst of all the stress I am going through worrying about all things that come with having a parent suffering from cancer, I try to zone out and forget everything, not just my troubles. Today I was sitting at the pool thinking back to the end of 2009, the beginning of 2010 and how I had such high hopes for 2010. I was sure it was going to be a great year....vacations, a move, new jobs, a fabulous 1 year anniversary celebration, maybe even a baby, and who knows what else. I remember in January, my biggest concern for the entire year was that I was turning 30 the very next month. If I'd only known what was really in store for me...and we're only half way through the year. We have no potential jobs for the move we want to make, our vacations get canceled by the month with each additional emergency trip I have to take back home, I have no new job and hate the one I have more and more each day, I still hate Las Vegas, we are no longer planning our big one year anniversary celebration (and will be lucky if we even both have the day off to share together that day), I can't get pregnant whether we try to or not (yet), and in the midst of this I am just waiting for a horribly dreaded phone call that my dad has been relieved of his pain and has found a peace not of this earth. What the hell did I do to piss off the heavens and the earth this fine year I ask?! But how can I ever complain about this pain and frustration I am going through when people all around me are also going through painful, frustrating situations? And likely at the top of that list is my poor father, who is experiencing pain and anguish that very few people can ever begin to imagine, yet he never complains. So why am I? And how is any of this a moment of clarity? Well part one of the clarity is that even though this year has been awful so far, it could be a hell of a lot worse and I should just shut my mouth and count my blessings. Part two of the clarity is that it is time for a fresh start. Shortly after I zoned out thinking about all of this at the pool, Spencer joined me and we sat on the edge (of the pool) discussing what we were going to do when our lease was up at the end of August. Seattle came up and everything about it just suddenly felt completely right. We are researching and searching and hoping this is the fresh start we need to finish off 2010 on a positive note. I believe that when one door closes, another one opens. And I believe that everything happens for a reason and that what is meant to be will always find a way, and that when it feels right, its right. And that if you don't take risks you'll have a wasted soul. So if this is it, I know that everything will fall into place the way it is supposed to, when it is supposed to. I just hope my moment of clarity wasn't from too much desert sun.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
A Father's Love
"A Dad is a person who is loving and kind, And often he knows what you have on your mind. He's someone who listens, suggests, and defends. A dad can be one of your very best friends! He's proud of your triumphs, but when things go wrong, A dad can be patient, helpful and strong."
♥ Happy Father's day to my strong Papa... and my wonderful father-in-law! ♥
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Dad's Book.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Heartbroken
heart·bro·ken
[hahrt-broh-kuh
n]
–adjective
n]–adjective
crushed with sorrow or grief.
My heart is breaking. Being dumped by my high school boyfriend, hurting a friend, losing a friend at a young age, being backstabbed by a friend, getting divorced, fighting with my sister to the point of no longer speaking, and so many other moments in my life where I thought I felt heartbroken will never ever EVER come close to the true heart break I experienced today when I saw my father. He is skin and bones, a shell of his old self, too weak to speak, too frail to stand up on his own, too malnourished to sustain any kind of nutrients in the form of food or water, in too much pain to complain. My heart is breaking. What does he think when he sees his reflection in the mirror? Can he even see it? How undignified does he feel when his wife has to help him to the bathroom or his kids have to help him move his legs because his feet are too heavy for him to move on his own? How frustrated does he feel that he sees his favorite foods, wants to eat them, and can't? Or when something needs to be done around his home, but he doesn't have the energy to even remember how to fix it? My heart is breaking. I am helpless to do anything to make this better. My whole life, he has taken care of me in one way or another and I can do NOTHING right now to make his life easier. I can barely say or do anything to make him smile. It takes all his energy to do so. My heart is breaking. Heart break makes you feel nauseous. It makes you cry. It makes you feel more helpless than you have ever felt in your entire life. What ever I experienced before that I thought was heartbreak was nothing. NOW, my heart is truly breaking. And even these words do my heart no justice. My heart is breaking.
My heart is breaking. Being dumped by my high school boyfriend, hurting a friend, losing a friend at a young age, being backstabbed by a friend, getting divorced, fighting with my sister to the point of no longer speaking, and so many other moments in my life where I thought I felt heartbroken will never ever EVER come close to the true heart break I experienced today when I saw my father. He is skin and bones, a shell of his old self, too weak to speak, too frail to stand up on his own, too malnourished to sustain any kind of nutrients in the form of food or water, in too much pain to complain. My heart is breaking. What does he think when he sees his reflection in the mirror? Can he even see it? How undignified does he feel when his wife has to help him to the bathroom or his kids have to help him move his legs because his feet are too heavy for him to move on his own? How frustrated does he feel that he sees his favorite foods, wants to eat them, and can't? Or when something needs to be done around his home, but he doesn't have the energy to even remember how to fix it? My heart is breaking. I am helpless to do anything to make this better. My whole life, he has taken care of me in one way or another and I can do NOTHING right now to make his life easier. I can barely say or do anything to make him smile. It takes all his energy to do so. My heart is breaking. Heart break makes you feel nauseous. It makes you cry. It makes you feel more helpless than you have ever felt in your entire life. What ever I experienced before that I thought was heartbreak was nothing. NOW, my heart is truly breaking. And even these words do my heart no justice. My heart is breaking.
Twister?
Holy crap! I forgot what a midwest summer storm is like! I was minding my own business, cruising along, driving to Plainfield from Peoria Airport when OUT OF NOWHERE there was a.) a traffic jam and b.) extremely dark, extremely fast moving storm clouds. So not only was I going to be stuck driving in a storm, but I was literally stuck and not driving since traffic was not moving! It was pretty windy and scary. I kept calling Spencer fearing for my life and when I wasn't talking to him, I turned the radio up as loud as I could and tried to drown out the scary sounds of the storm. I survived. (These pictures from my phone do this storm no justice...)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Nerves....
I leave early tomorrow morning to go home to see Dad. I'm nervous. I have a huge knot in my stomach. I'm scared. :(
Tricia's Visit
Spencer's mom came to visit us these past few days. Although I was quite pre-occupied with Dad's condition and an impending last minute trip home as well as a very last minute, highly involved Father's Day project for him, I still managed to have a great time. Spencer took a few days off so he could maximize his quality time with his mom and Tricia said it was the most relaxing vacation she'd had in a long time, so overall, I'd say the visit gets 6 thumbs up!
Tricia arrived very late Sunday night after getting stuck in a late night traffic jam on the way home from the airport. Monday, I had to work, so Spencer and Tricia headed to the Hoover Dam. (I'm dam sorry I missed another dam trip to the dam Hoover Dam. DAM!)
Monday evening we enjoyed a nice dinner made by Spencer and then 2 fabulous hours of The Bachelorette. Tricia hardly watches TV let alone this trash TV, but she seemed to enjoy it and we definitely got a few good laughs. (What a ridiculous show!)
Tuesday we headed to the Atomic Testing Museum where we learned more than anyone could ever want to know about the history of atomic bombs and how they tested them just outside of Las Vegas.
Spencer and Tricia outside the Atomic Testing Museum
Me sitting in a piece of the World Trade Center after 9/11
I even ate a freeze dried ice cream sandwich just like astronauts do. (I'm not sure how these 2 were connected, but I bought the astronaut ice cream sandwich in the gift shop of the Atomic Testing Museum, so...)
"Eat just like the astronauts do in space!" (I'm such a sucker.)
It looks like an ice cream sandwich 
It tastes like an ice cream sandwich 
Do regular ice cream sandwiches give me such a tummy ache?!
Afterwards, Spencer gave us a very in depth behind the scenes tour of the Love Theater at The Mirage. Then we headed to Treasure Island to see Mystere from the light booth.
Wednesday I worked really hard on my book for Dad while Spencer, Tricia, and Tank went on a short hike to Red Rock Canyon,
Tricia and I relaxed at the pool for a little while, some naps were taken, and then we headed out for a delicious sushi dinner at Kabuki and Ka at MGM Grand.
The house manager moved us from the booth seats to the FRONT ROW! The show was even more AMAZING from that location than any of the other seats I have ever seen it from!
Today we did a little more lounging by the pool,
I worked a little more on Dad's book, then I headed off to work and Spencer and Tricia were right behind me, stopping in for some coffee to go before Tricia got dropped off at the airport and Spencer headed off to work. Short, sweet, relaxing, fun.
Tricia arrived very late Sunday night after getting stuck in a late night traffic jam on the way home from the airport. Monday, I had to work, so Spencer and Tricia headed to the Hoover Dam. (I'm dam sorry I missed another dam trip to the dam Hoover Dam. DAM!)
Monday evening we enjoyed a nice dinner made by Spencer and then 2 fabulous hours of The Bachelorette. Tricia hardly watches TV let alone this trash TV, but she seemed to enjoy it and we definitely got a few good laughs. (What a ridiculous show!)Tuesday we headed to the Atomic Testing Museum where we learned more than anyone could ever want to know about the history of atomic bombs and how they tested them just outside of Las Vegas.
Afterwards, Spencer gave us a very in depth behind the scenes tour of the Love Theater at The Mirage. Then we headed to Treasure Island to see Mystere from the light booth.
Wednesday I worked really hard on my book for Dad while Spencer, Tricia, and Tank went on a short hike to Red Rock Canyon,
Tricia and I relaxed at the pool for a little while, some naps were taken, and then we headed out for a delicious sushi dinner at Kabuki and Ka at MGM Grand.
The house manager moved us from the booth seats to the FRONT ROW! The show was even more AMAZING from that location than any of the other seats I have ever seen it from!Today we did a little more lounging by the pool,
I worked a little more on Dad's book, then I headed off to work and Spencer and Tricia were right behind me, stopping in for some coffee to go before Tricia got dropped off at the airport and Spencer headed off to work. Short, sweet, relaxing, fun.
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