Heavy Heart

I can't sleep. I can't even think about sleep. More thoughts than usual are crowding my head. On Thursday, I got what could be the worst news I've gotten to date. I knew something was wrong...more than just a fluke pain for my dad, especially if he of all people went to the Emergency Room for a pain in his side...they couldn't find anything, now a month later, the pain hasn't gotten any better and a scan has showed a tumor on his liver. Tumor, cancer, time left, surgery, chemo, etc. These words won't leave my head. They send my brain on a rollercoaster of emotions. Is this his fault? He's been drinking for 28 years, of course his liver is going to eventually give him the middle finger and fight him back. So now I'm angry! Why? Because I've begged him to stop drinking for years? Because he's made our life beyond frustrating all those times he's had too much to drink? Oh yeah, he's suffering, so now I feel like a jerk for even thinking this way. And now I feel guilty. Why? Because I live what feels like a million miles away and can't hug him or help him or be there for the rest of my family? Because I haven't talked to him since March because of a horrible thing he said to my sister in a moment of drunkeness. Because for WHATEVER reason, he didn't come to my wedding. But now I feel angry again! Why does he have to be so mean sometimes? How could he SKIP his daughter's wedding like its just some dinner party he didn't feel like going to? Why is he so selfish? Oh and then the guilt returns. He is suffering. I should forgive him for all of this stuff and make the most of whatever time left he has, whether it ends up being less than we think or more than we think. But why? Am I ONLY forgiving him because I am afraid he's going to die? Is that really a good reason to forgive someone? But he is my daddy. The only father I've ever had. Maybe I don't understand everything he has been through in his life. Maybe I wouldn't handle it any better than he did if I had experienced all of that. Maybe he was raised in a different time than me when people didn't share or deal with their problems out in the open and this was the only way he knew how. And what about my family? They are angry too. But they are sad. They are worried. How will my brothers and sister deal with this? What about my mom? She is the glue that holds this family together. She is the one that has loved each of us unconditionally from the very beginning, even when we didn't deserve it, especially Dad! If she falls apart, we all fall apart. Now my guilt comes back. I should take on that role for her. But how? How can I do that from so far away? How can I do that with so much anger? How can I do that with so many of what seem like failed attempts in the past?
I haven't really prayed in a long time, but tonight I am praying. I'm praying for my family that whatever happens they can make it through and stay strong. I am praying for myself, that I can do the same and forgive my dad before its too late. And praying for my dad. That he has the will to fight whatever this is. That he realizes he has something to live for. That this tumor is small enough to just get rid of, move on, and maybe even give him a fresh outlook on life and a fresh start at relationships with those of us he has pushed away for so long. I am praying like I have never prayed before. Please pray too...if I post this...and you read it. It may just be therapy for me...a means to find a way to get everything in my head out, a means to stop crying, a means to get rid of this horrible feeling inside of me, a means to sleep...