More Nerves

My dad went to the doctor today. Apparently he's been sick and throwing up since Monday. When I called my mom for more information, they were still at the hospital and my dad was hooked up to an IV. The PET scan showed that the liver tumor is in fact small enough to remove, but it also showed something on his colon. The doctor isn't sure what it is, so he has to take a closer look by doing a colonoscopy in a week. He is hoping it is just an infection so from what I gather, the IV was antibiotics to fight the potential infection. My gut reaction is always the worst case...I feel like and fear that it is another tumor on his colon. I hope and pray that I am wrong. I actually talked to my dad today...kinda by force by my mom. He sounded so frail. I was trying to crack jokes about his colonoscopy and he was trying to laugh, but I think we were both failing miserably. I told him I cut all of my hair off and he tried to laugh but it sounded like it was too painful. I started crying so I told him I had to go. Mom came back on the phone and I couldn't stop crying. To top it all off I was at work. I'm trying not to worry as much this time. I'm trying to believe that the results about this will be just as good as the results we got last week about his liver. Please keep praying.

Locks Of Love

After 3.5 years of growing out my hair, most recently for my wedding, I decided I was sick of it being long and it was time to chop it off again. And for the second time I donated it to Locks Of Love. It is so much less scary to make a drastic change in your appearance when you know you are doing it for a good cause (and that hair grows back after awhile...) So here are some before and after shots of my hair:
Before:After:My donation:Now, if only I can style my hair to look this cute when I attempt to do it myself...oh how I wish I had a personal hair stylist to do my hair every morning! :)

Answered Prayers...

Spencer took me to a movie today because he wanted to get my mind off of my worrying about my dad. It was the right thing to do. I desperately needed a distraction. I just kept looking at the clock trying to prepare myself for the phone call I was going to get any minute after my parents left the doctors office and it was taking forever and I was going crazy. So we went to see Avatar. Because he wanted to see it. Because I didn't care if I saw it or not so if I was distracted the entire time I wouldn't be upset for missing anything. And because the only thing I could think of that sounded even remotely appetizing to eat in the midst of my nervous stomach was movie theater popcorn! The previews were about to start and my brother and sister-in-law were texting and calling me asking if I'd heard anything yet and I thought I was going to throw my phone across the room, so I just texted my mom and told her we were at a movie and I'd call her when we got out to find out what the doctor said and then promptly turned off my phone. Surprisingly enough I was more distracted by the 3 year old kid that was running up and down the row behind us screaming during the movie, than I was by my thoughts and concerns about my dad. After exiting the movie theater, Spencer and I got soaked in a random and rare torrential downpour in the middle of the desert and I attempted to wait until we got home to call my mom. Home where it was quiet and the rain wasn't beating down on the roof of the car while we were driving. Home where I could crawl in to bed and cry if the news was bad. But I couldn't wait another second. So I called my mom and she tried to make small talk. I snapped at her and told her just tell me what the doctor said!
The news was better than any of us expected, especially after reading all the doomsday information about my dad's potential condition provided on the good old internet! He has a small tumor on his liver. The doctor thinks that it is small enough to just surgically remove a small piece of his liver where the tumor is located. Next week they are doing a PET Scan to confirm the size of the tumor and be sure there is no cancer anywhere else. This is good news, yet my mind immediately jumps to: "Oh god...what if they find more?!" But I try to accept this good news as a huge relief. Now I'm praying they don't find anything else. And I'm praying that this news is good enough to allow me to rest my mind and sleep at night...at least for a week until his next appointment. Please keep praying for my dad.

Shaking, Nauseous. Worried.

I find it hard to believe I slept last night, but I must have because I had a dream. I don't remember the details and I don't really think I want to. It was a bad dream, I know that much. Now I have awakened to the sickest feeling in my stomach. My entire body is shaking. I can't think straight. I'm holding back tears. I'm snapping at my husband when he attempts to cheer me up. My mom sent me an email this morning telling me not to worry. Even though I know she is. And that's funny in itself because I am notorious for finding a reason to worry about just about anything. And I learned from the queen of worrying...my mother. She is going to the doctor with my dad today to get what I fear is bad news. I know I should think positive right now but I can't find it in me. She also sent me a picture of my dad with his newest grandson Jackson. He doesn't hold babies, he just doesn't. Maybe its that typical guy thing, like he's afraid he's too big and strong and he's just going to break them. But here he is, holding his grandbaby. And more horrible thoughts flash to my brain. Why is he holding him? Is he afraid he might not have another chance to do it? And oh my god, what if he never meets my children? More guilt. I remember telling him in an angry drunken fight (angry on my part/drunken on his) that I would never let him near my kids because I didn't want him to hurt them like he has hurt me. I regret saying that now. He's great with all 3 of his grandsons. I want him to be a grandpa to my babies one day. I want this to be nothing life threatening. I want him to fight this and be ok. I want him to know that I love him, no matter what and that if he went away I would miss him. But I can't tell him. Not yet. Because everytime I see his face or hear his voice, I just cry. So I'm looking at this picture of my dad and Jackson that my mom sent me...and I just walk away...because at the bottom of her email it says "...and stop crying Heather." And I want to be strong for my mom who has always been strong for me.

Heavy Heart

I can't sleep. I can't even think about sleep. More thoughts than usual are crowding my head. On Thursday, I got what could be the worst news I've gotten to date. I knew something was wrong...more than just a fluke pain for my dad, especially if he of all people went to the Emergency Room for a pain in his side...they couldn't find anything, now a month later, the pain hasn't gotten any better and a scan has showed a tumor on his liver. Tumor, cancer, time left, surgery, chemo, etc. These words won't leave my head. They send my brain on a rollercoaster of emotions. Is this his fault? He's been drinking for 28 years, of course his liver is going to eventually give him the middle finger and fight him back. So now I'm angry! Why? Because I've begged him to stop drinking for years? Because he's made our life beyond frustrating all those times he's had too much to drink? Oh yeah, he's suffering, so now I feel like a jerk for even thinking this way. And now I feel guilty. Why? Because I live what feels like a million miles away and can't hug him or help him or be there for the rest of my family? Because I haven't talked to him since March because of a horrible thing he said to my sister in a moment of drunkeness. Because for WHATEVER reason, he didn't come to my wedding. But now I feel angry again! Why does he have to be so mean sometimes? How could he SKIP his daughter's wedding like its just some dinner party he didn't feel like going to? Why is he so selfish? Oh and then the guilt returns. He is suffering. I should forgive him for all of this stuff and make the most of whatever time left he has, whether it ends up being less than we think or more than we think. But why? Am I ONLY forgiving him because I am afraid he's going to die? Is that really a good reason to forgive someone? But he is my daddy. The only father I've ever had. Maybe I don't understand everything he has been through in his life. Maybe I wouldn't handle it any better than he did if I had experienced all of that. Maybe he was raised in a different time than me when people didn't share or deal with their problems out in the open and this was the only way he knew how. And what about my family? They are angry too. But they are sad. They are worried. How will my brothers and sister deal with this? What about my mom? She is the glue that holds this family together. She is the one that has loved each of us unconditionally from the very beginning, even when we didn't deserve it, especially Dad! If she falls apart, we all fall apart. Now my guilt comes back. I should take on that role for her. But how? How can I do that from so far away? How can I do that with so much anger? How can I do that with so many of what seem like failed attempts in the past?
I haven't really prayed in a long time, but tonight I am praying. I'm praying for my family that whatever happens they can make it through and stay strong. I am praying for myself, that I can do the same and forgive my dad before its too late. And praying for my dad. That he has the will to fight whatever this is. That he realizes he has something to live for. That this tumor is small enough to just get rid of, move on, and maybe even give him a fresh outlook on life and a fresh start at relationships with those of us he has pushed away for so long. I am praying like I have never prayed before. Please pray too...if I post this...and you read it. It may just be therapy for me...a means to find a way to get everything in my head out, a means to stop crying, a means to get rid of this horrible feeling inside of me, a means to sleep...

GO DUCKS!

Well, we started off this day with high hopes for the Rose Bowl game this afternoon. I even decorated our living room and added a few extra green and yellow items to help us get into the spirit even more than we already were. Unfortunately, the game did not turn out as we hoped and Ohio State beat our beloved Ducks. But it was a good game and we still love our Ducks and can't wait for next year! GO DUCKS!
Everything is coming up green and yellow!We are ready to cheer...1 minute until kickoff!GO DUCKS!Unfortunately, this turned out to be the only time Oregon was in the lead!Spencer's response to the Ducks losing was to use his sword to destroy the decorations...Tank did NOT like it one bit!

December 2009