Travels and Dad

Although I anticipated our journey from Las Vegas to Illinois to be a bumpy one both literally and figuratively, it was surprisingly smooth. I guess that's the only break we're going to catch for now. We did something different than normal and flew into Peoria instead of Chicago and then rented a car to drive to Plainfield. It was cheaper and surprisingly easy. Smooth flight, on time, cheap rental car, easy drive, no traffic. As soon as we returned our rental car, we went with Mom to the hospital to see Dad. I had prepared myself for the worst and I'm glad I did. When I walked in he looked awful. So pale and frail. He's so skinny I can see his cheek bones and his legs are the size of my arms. The only thing big on him is his stomach. He looks pregnant because fluid is draining into his belly since his liver isn't working properly. Its causing him discomfort but not as much as the pain from his procedure last night and his throwing up blood. He could barely talk at first. After we were there for awhile, thankfully, he perked up. Looking at him, I'm so sad and scared. How can they say he is ok to go home in less than 48 hours when he can't even move or talk and he is still throwing up blood?! My confidence is decreasing by the minute. I know my mom is trying to stay positive. She is so strong. But I catch her starring off and looking sad every so often and I can't decide which persons' pain tears me up inside more. I lay here and cry with Spencer because I'm so sad for them both and I just cry harder because I think, who is holding my mom when she cries? And does my dad even have any energy to cry? And what about everyone else? My nephew who doesn't quite understand why Grandpa isn't at home and why he can't visit him? My older sister who hasn't had the chance to resolve her issues with him yet? His younger sisters and brothers, most of whom are so far away they can't do anything but sit and wait for an update via phone or text (I know how hard that one is...)? I can't figure out how to be strong and stay positive, how to deal with any potential outcome to all of this, and how to be here for everyone else in the ways that they need. I guess that's why we pray...because we don't know what else to do...maybe there isn't anything else to do. I have 5 more days here to figure it out before I go back to Las Vegas with that same helpless guilty feeling for being so far away again. :(